We all lie! Just admit it. 7 reasons why!

Why is it that we lie? No one really likes to be a lyer, yet we all do it.

I am not an acception, I lie too…but knowing why I lie is the first step to change my behaviour.

1. Social convenience

We all recognize this. You have been invited by a friend for a party and you don’t feel like going. For good reasons or for no reason at all, you just don’t feel like it. Instead of giving a gentle but clear ‘thank you for the invitation but I would love to stay home….we make an excuse and tell a lie: ‘oh sorry but I can’t… We do this not to make the other feel disappointed.

However there is a reason underneath this why you are not giving a neutral heartfelt no. Perhaps it frustrates you that your friend has never shown up on your parties. Or you are having a bad time yourself but you are not aware that that is why you avoid social meet ups. Because if you honestly feel totally okay with saying no, you would do so very natrually and the other won’t feel bad at all. Or, despite your lack of desire to go, you will go whole heartedly as you know your friend would love that. When we are aligned and our own cup of self worth is filled, we become more honest in our communication without hurting the other or we gift more honestly.

2. Lack of self worth

For some of us: someone gives you a compliment. How often do you put yourself a little down and say: thank you but really…this is nothing. Somehow it can make us feel uncomfortable to be in the spotlight. In this moment we lie to ourselves! We can’t embrace our own worth.

For others, the opposite: we seek compliments to makes us feel better about ourselves. We flirt, we chat online with strangers, we over present ourselves: I am so good at…. We need the confirmation as we lack some self worth.

3. Social acceptance

Recognize this one? You exaggerate your story, add a bit more drama, twist the outcome of the story a bit. Or we tell a better version of our ‘environmental behavior’ while at the same time we choose options that are not supporting the environment, for our own convenience ofcourse.

Why? We all love to be liked and admired. We do it often to fit in, in what we think is the accepted standard. Bragging is often learned in our youth to make friends, to please our parents or be accepted by the group.

4. Work acceptance

This exaggeration is again confirmed as a normal thing when we apply for a study, a job, a project, a student union. Who hasn’t made his curriculum vitae a little more attractive? Who doesn’t adjust his opinion to be accepted by a boss or colleague. Or who fears to speak up in a meeting and compromises his own values? Haven’t we seen this playing out big time during Covid? Who dares to admit he/she took the shot to fit in or to keep the job?

5. Business as usual

In our business environment it is a total accepted standard that we lie about what we are selling. From the well known ‘car-salesman’ to corporations who simply sell the biggest lies or governmental bodies who make the deals through lobby behind our backs. Or who isn’t presenting his/her life online a bit more glamorous to be successful as an influencer or affilate marketeer? Or who hasn’t over-promised their business offer? We hate scams and yet we all know that we accept lying as ‘business as usual’.

6. Family matters

The list with examples of lying within the family construct is endless and we all endured our share and perhaps contribute to it as well. Family heritage is one example that opens the worst in us. As soon as money is involved we can become greedy and very nasty. We invent stories, we fight in court, to make sure we get our part of the inheritance. Incest is another attrocity where often the other parent is turning a blind eye to what is happening.

7. Relationship entanglement

Last but definitely not least: infidelity in monogamous relationships. Being unfaithful to our partner happens in various ways. Why aren’t we honest about it? Why can’t we share that we flirted the other night at the bar because it felt nice to be seen? Why don’t we feel safe to share about our mistakes? Perhaps because we aren’t even aware what the exact reason is why it has happened? Because we can’t feel our need to feel seen and confirmed? Because we don’t dare to be vulnerable with our partner and share what is lacking in the relationship?

Dishonesty with ourselves lies at the core of all our lies

All these variations of lying is ultimately our fear to be dishonest with ourselves. When we act to fit in, we are not honest with ourselves that we fear rejection or shame. When we lie in social construct we fear being left alone. And more often than not, one lie leads to another. And even worse, we willingly accept others to lie as we often don’t want to hear the truth. Take our politicians as an example. We know about their lies, yet we re-elect them again.

Our unwillingness to feel into this, or perhaps even our unwillingness to see it like this, creates a lot of unsafety in this world. I would even argue that it is the foundation of all our struggles in life. We find it so difficult to be honest with ourselves, to be vulnerable with our heart and acknowledge our ‘mistakes’. We seek to be accepted as the pain underneath all our pains, is our pain of separation.

But how can we expect the world ‘out there’ to improve if we aren’t willing to start within? Start small, that’s what I am doing. I keep sensing where, in my automated patterning, I am still not being honest. Where the little lie is told without my awareness. Where I feel uncomfortable with my partner to be honest or share my insecurity. Where I hide behind a better story.

And more importantly, how telling a tiny little lie makes me feel, the little contraction in my stomach. Even if I feel there is a good reason for social convenience, not to make the other uncomfortable, I ask myself: how can I stay honest with myself and acknowledge the need of the other. I keep observing myself. The more I do that, the more I know that ultimately it is all about self- acceptance.

Transparency is key in improving our world that is full of lies and deception. It starts with us.

We are all beautiful and gifted. The more we fully accept that, the less need there is to lie. It starts within..